Toxic in-laws

Unfortunately, it is all too common – the toxic mother-in-law. There is a reason that comedians have used this topic for decades…people CAN RELATE to the issue! Approximately “one-third of couples have moderate to severe conflict with their in-laws” (Suzanne Burger, Gottman Couples Therapist), and 60% of arguments in marriage are caused by in-law situations. That’s a pretty high number!

The strain that this can put on a marriage is not a joke though. Research shows that the issues tend to be that the mother-in-law:

* Interferes in their “child’s” relationship; not respecting that the “child” is an adult, is in a marriage, has a career, is a parent themselves, etc.

* Has not adapted to the fact that their “child” is an adult, and she still expects the family of origin “rules” to exist and has many expectations (sometimes unspoken!) regarding holidays, submission, attention, parenting, cleaning, money, etc.

* Meddles with their grandchildren’s lives and how they are parented.

Dealing with a toxic mother-in-law also means that your spouse is dealing with the effects of a toxic mother. This can be incredibly difficult! Often, they don’t realize their ‘mom’ is so invasive, controlling, passive-aggressive, and manipulative. Sometimes it takes a while for them to see it and believe it. Some serious issues can arise in a marriage due to this factor.

Mother-in-laws often hide this behavior from their “child.” They DO NOT want their “child” to see this side of them! The in-law generally see’s it immediately.

This is a very real issue in marriage – and often can benefit from marriage counseling. It is critical to collaboratively set boundaries in several areas – especially regarding how ‘mom’ will be allowed to treat his/her spouse and children. The quicker this can happen in a marriage dealing with this issue, the better.