To Be Heard, or Not to Be Heard, THAT is the Question

Wanting/needing to be heard, is one of life’s most difficult and lonely situations. When we do not “feel heard,” it can be isolating, lonely, and feels as if we are disconnected from people.

This loneliness has escalated now that a lot of people work from home, so they no longer even have the camaraderie of co-workers – making friends at work to talk to, hear you, and reciprocate that friendship back to them to listen/hear and care about them as well – which is also needed for good mental health; to be cared about, and to care about others.

We have lost a lot of that – AND if you are in an intimate relationship where you do not feel heard, it goes deeper.

How did we lose that connection we had with our significant other? What happened to staying up “half the night just talking?” Well, life happens, bills happen, arguments that drive us away from one another – and here we are, not “really” talking. We create patterns; same lines being said in an argument, and incorrect perceptions of what is being said. We get distant and settle for small talk because it is safe.

What is the result: loneliness, isolation, distance.

Often, both people just want to:

Be heard

Acknowledged

Cared about

While the other person is not really ‘hearing the struggle,’ but is:

Focusing on what they are going to say when you stop talking

Simply not acknowledging the other’s pain

Trying to ‘fix the problem.’

Offering advice or even ‘telling’ us what to do.

We do not come away from this kind of interaction feeling connected, validated, loved.

How do we communicate that “being heard, accepted, cared about without judgement” is ‘what’ we are really seeking?

First, recognize what is really going on, that this lack of connection is really the issue, not the actual subject that you were trying to talk about.

If the ‘connectivity is improved,’ it won’t matter what subject is being talked about, it will land, and connection/understanding will happen.

Second, learn communication skills together – through talking, reading, counseling, podcasts, whatever it takes to learn ‘how to’ communicate together.

No matter who we are, we can always learn better/more effective communication skills!

It is a life-long quest really.