The Courage to Apologize A good apology can go a long way toward not only reversing some of the damage that has been done, but also preventing further deterioration of a relationship. And although most of us have been taught to apologize from our earliest days, many of us lose sight of the point of an effective apology. Here are some key components to keep in mind.

1. Be clear about what you are apologizing for. If you know that your partner is mad at you, but you're not sure why, you may be tempted to create a blanket apology just to try to move forward ("You're obviously mad about something; I'm sorry for whatever I did"). This misses the chance to convey your understanding of what you did and how you hurt them—which misses the whole point of the apology. Similarly, "I'm sorry you're upset" or "I'm sorry if you took it wrong" are not true apologies for your own behavior. That doesn't mean they don't have a place, but if a true apology for your specific actions is what's called for, they are not an adequate substitute.

2. Don't add conditions where conditions don't belong. With apologies that are coming on the heels of a contentious situation, there is often the urge to protect yourself by limiting your apology within specific parameters or putting conditions on it. You may also be tempted to only give a piecemeal apology, and then see if the other person apologizes next. Be careful of this, and mindful of the risk of adding so many conditions to your apology that it ceases to mean anything anymore. "I'm sorry I said X, but if you hadn't done Y, then I would have never been so upset" may be true, but it is also prone to escalating the conflict and making it sound like you're not very sorry at all.

3. Your apology should stand on its own: Don't apologize as a means to get what you want. An apology can be a useful tool—for connection, for repairing a relationship, and for understanding yourself and others better. It should not, however, be used as a tool to get something that you jeopardized by behaving badly. Apologies that have this "let me get it over with" flavor ring hollow and risk doing more harm than good. When you prepare to apologize, ask yourself: Is this apology something I feel is useful in its own right? Or am I viewing it as a means to an end to get what I want? Of course, you may very much hope for some positive effects of the apology. But those should come naturally, not be part of a quid pro quo of your having said sorry.

4. Know the difference between explaining and justifying. Explaining why you did something can sometimes help the other person understand what happened, but there's a fine line between that and making excuses for your behavior. "I'm sorry I said that; I was angry, and I didn't handle it well. I let my emotions get the best of me, and that is why I lashed out" is an infinitely more helpful opening to a true, vulnerable conversation than "I'm sorry I said that. You make me so mad sometimes that I just can't help myself."

5. Express remorse with empathy. An apology is about more than words—it is also about body language, tone of voice, etc.— 6. Have a plan for it to not happen again. I have worked with many people whose relationships are caught in a cycle of: hurt each other, apologize, hurt each other, apologize. Rinse and repeat. This is one of the main reasons even a "good" apology can fall on deaf ears. Words don't mean nearly as much if the actions don't follow. As the saying goes, "The best apology is changed behavior." Even better, explain in your apology what you are going to do to try not to make the same mistake anew

A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I’m sorry, but …”). “But” automatically cancels out an apology, and nearly always introduces a criticism or excuse. A true apology keeps the focus on your actions—and not on the other person’s response. For example, “I’m sorry that you felt hurt by what I said at the party last night,” is not an apology. Try instead, “I’m sorry about what I said at the party last night. It was insensitive and uncalled for.” Own your behavior and apologize for it, period. A true apology does not overdo. It stays focused on acknowledging the feelings of the hurt party without overshadowing them with your own pain or remorse. A true apology doesn’t get caught up in who's to blame or who "started it." Maybe you’re only 14 percent to blame and maybe the other person provoked you. It can still help to simply say, “I’m sorry for my part in this.” A true apology needs to be backed by corrective action. If your sister mentions she’s paid for your last few dinners together, apologize and let her know that you plan to pay for the next few. A true apology requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance. Obviously, it doesn’t help to apologize with a grand flourish and then continue the very behavior you apologized for.

A true apology should not serve to silence another person (“I said I’m sorry at least 10 times, so why are you still bringing up the affair?”). Nor should an apology be used as a quick way out to get yourself out of a difficult conversation or dispute.

A true apology recognizes when “I’m sorry” is not enough. A serious hurt or betrayal requires repair work overtime to restore trust.

Pick your moment wisely. We often hear, “Strike while the iron is hot.” With apologies, do the opposite: Wait until the conflict has cooled. This helps you prepare what to say, not just by way of apology but also by offering solutions or compromises.

Be specific. In the heat of an argument, nearly everyone tosses about the “always-es” and “nevers.”

For example, “I’m sorry that I raised my voice, but you are always cutting me off mid-sentence” might be “I’m sorry that I raised my voice yesterday when we were disagreeing about childcare. I felt frustrated because I had not said all I wanted to say before you started to speak.”

Speak from your own perspective. The example above illustrates another critical part of an effective apology: Using “I” statements. Don’t blame your partner for your behavior. When you apologize, talk about emotions you experienced

What you don’t say speaks volumes. No matter what words follow “I am sorry,” you will say a lot with eye contact, body posture, tone, and facial expression. Research shows that we are great at reading others’ nonverbal cues. We respond to these cues not only with our thoughts, but with our physiology (e.g., heart rate). Look your partner in the eye. Take an open stance. Speak calmly. Listen. Take your time.

Participate meaningfully in your partner’s apology. Listen actively, ask questions, and give body signals that show you understand.

Meet empathy with empathy. When a partner offers an apology, he or she is trying to see things from your perspective.

Identify next steps. Once your partner says, “I’m sorry,” it’s your turn to respond. Offer ideas for compromise. Accept the apology. Don’t be shy about saying “thank you” and “I love you.”