A good apology can go a long way toward not only reversing some of the damage that has been done, but also preventing further deterioration in any relationship. Most of us have been taught to apologize when we were little, but many of us lose sight of how to do this as adults in relationships. Here are some key components to keep in mind: 1. Be clear about what you are apologizing for. If you know that someone is mad at you, but you're not sure why, you may be tempted to create a blanket apology; “Fine, I'm sorry for whatever I did," is not going to help at all, it shows sarcasm, and that you are just trying to pacify the other person, shut off their anger, and move forward. This will only build more distance between you.

2. Own your own behavior: "I'm sorry I said X, but if you hadn't done Y, then I would have never been so upset!" This is not owning your own actions but blaming the other person and making them responsible for your behavior. An apology is about our own stuff, not theirs.

3. Your apology should stand on its own: Don't apologize to get what you want. An apology can be a useful tool—for connection, for repairing a relationship, and for understanding yourself and others better. It is not healthy, however, to be used as a tool to get something that you jeopardized by behaving badly.

4. Know the difference between explaining and justifying. Explaining why you did something can sometimes help the other person understand what happened, but there's a fine line between that and making excuses for your behavior. "I'm sorry I said that; I was angry, and I didn't handle it well. I let my emotions get the best of me, and that is why I lashed out," is owning your own behavior, and explains what happened in you, vs. "I'm sorry I said that. You (blaming them) make me so mad sometimes that I just can't help myself."

5. A true apology does not include the word “but” (“I’m sorry, but …”). “But” automatically shows that you are excusing your own behavior, so it is not really an apology at all.

What you don’t say speaks volumes. No matter what words follow “I am sorry,” you will say a lot with eye contact, body posture, tone, and facial expression. Research shows that we are great at reading others’ nonverbal cues, and it’s value is just as important as your words.

It’s helpful to participate meaningfully in someone’s apology to you. Actively listening (eye contact, no distractions, body language, being quiet), show that you appreciate their effort and are trying to understand their words. Responding to an apology by saying ‘thank you for that,” or “I appreciate that,” can be a great way to answer someone’s vulnerability in apologizing to you.

A serious hurt or betrayal sometimes requires repair work in counseling to restore trust. Learning to improve communication skills and identifying problem areas is a key to healthy relationships.